Quantcast
Channel: Portland Mercury
Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 9554

The Walking Dead Chitty Chat Club: The Different Levels of Craaaaazy

$
0
0

Full disclosure, guys: I got SUPER high yesterday (on drugs), which means this recap of The Walking Dead's season finale may be a bit... ummm.... foggy? But bear with me, and we'll get through it together! So stand by for a bunch of spoilers, and then, as always, LET'S CHITTY CHAT ABOUT IT!

MORE AFTER THE JUMP!

Here's what I'm thinking about last night's season finale, "Conquer."

1) So during the first scene I was still so high I almost changed stations because I thought I was on the wrong channel! Morgan—remember him from the first episode?—meets another stranger, a creep with a "W" on his forehead who calls himself a member of the "Wolves." Again, I was so high I yelled, "Wolves?!? That's a bullshit ripoff of Red Dawn!" (Yes, now that I'm no longer high I realize I was thinking of "Wolverines." Sigh.) Anyway, he's going to steal all of Morgan's stuff, kill him, drink his blood, yada yada yada... but BAM! Morgan shows off his new stick-fighting prowess by kicking the Wolves' ass from here to Sunday. (Apparently Morgan has spent much of his time watching old Teenage Ninja Turtle cartoons?)

2) Let's see... what else happened? OH! Remember that dick that abandoned Glenn and Everybody Hates Chris at the warehouse? Well, he lures Glenn out into the woods, and shoots him in the shoulder. OMIGOD I HATE HIM SO MUCH! Anyway, they fight and Glenn barely escapes getting zombie chomped. And while no Judge Judy in the world would convict Glenn if he just blew the dick's head off, he showed forgiveness and helped him back to the compound. Forget WWJD... now it's WWGD!

3) Meanwhile Sasha is taking a nap in a pit filled with dead zombies. Ohhhhhh-kay. (At least that's what I think happened. You know... drugs.)

4) And it seems Rev. McChickenshit has gotten crazier and crazier, and walks out the gate to get zombie bit, but can't even do that right, because he's a chickenshit. On his way back in, someone asks him to close and lock the gate, and he did the exact same thing I did after coming home from doing drugs: He half-assed it, leaving the goddamn gate wide open! OMIGOD I HATE HIM SO MUCH!

5) Meanwhile Daryl and Creepy McColumbiaSportswear are out in the wild tracking a man dressed in a red poncho, when they get distracted by a food warehouse. Unbeknownst to them, it's a trap set by the Wolves, and the pair find themselves stuck and surrounded by zombies in a 1998 Toyota Corolla—which is a fate worse than death. They're just about to make a run for it when BIFF! BAM! POW! Teenage Mutant Ninja Morgen shows up beating the asses off those zombies with his stick. He shows the pair that map with the note from G.I. Ginger saying "the new world's gonna need Rick Grimes." YAY! That means they're all gonna be friends now! OR ARE THEY? (That's not a rhetorical question... I'm still kinda high, and unsure.)

6) Meanwhile back at Alexandria, Prime Minister Deanna is calling a"Let's kick Rick out" meeting... umm... "forum" for the townsfolk. Carol preps Rick on what to say: "They're children—and children like to hear stories." Then she pays a visit to Sexy McHairdresser's abusive hubby, to deliver a casserole and to threaten him with a knife. "You're a small, weak, nothing," she tells him in a scene frighteningly reminiscent of a conversation I once had with my ex-wife. Then she reminds him to return the casserole dish... and it better be clean, BITCH!

7) Rick lets Michonne in on his plan to maybe use Terminus-style violence on the townsfolk if they don't give him back his guns. (Rick was being all super "second amendment guy" last night.) She's like, "Okay... but if you cause any drama, I'll be like, 'I can't even.'" (Oh, and also Sasha and Rev. McChickenshit get into a fight, but Maggie comes in and saves them with the power of prayer. EYE ROLL.)

8) Meanwhile back at the kangaroo court, Maggie, Carol and G.I. Ginger are all speaking eloquently in Rick's defense... but the townsfolk are not convinced. UNTIL! Rick struts in with a skull-squashed zombie on his shoulder, and throws it down at their feet LIKE A BOSS. "I told you a-holes not to leave the gate open, but you did, and just like I warned you, the zombies came in, and you would've all been eaten alive except for the fact that I shoved my fist into its brain LIKE A BOSS. BOOM, MOTHAFUCKAS! BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!" (I'm paraphrasing here.)

9) Oh, and guess who else showed up for the meeting late? It's Sexy McHairdresser's drunk abusive hubby carrying Michonne's sword (OH HE DID NOT), and threatening to kill Rick and not wash the casserole dish. He accidentally slices the throat of PM Deanna's hubby (Is his nickname "Alan Alda"? I can't remember), and Rick's all like, "I told you a-holes not to let this abusive dickhole run around loose, but you did, and just like I warned you, he came in and slit Alan Alda's throat. And just in case you're not picking up what I'm putting down, I was RIGHT again (LIKE A BOSS), and you were WRONG again (LIKE A BUNCH OF DUMB BUTTHOLES). BOOM, MOTHAFUCKAS! BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!" To which PM Deanna says, "Will you please just execute this abusive asshole, and stop rubbing salt in our wounds?" And he's like, "Okay."BLAM!!

10) And just at that moment, who walks in but Daryl, McColumbiaSportswear, AND Teenage Mutant Ninja Morgan whose looking at Rick like he's a bloody-faced crazy person (which he is). Aaaaand SCENE.

11) Okay, I thought that was a GREAT season overall, one of the best this series had to offer. And I'm psyched to see what the Wolverines... sorry, the "wolves"... are gonna bring to the party in season six! WHAT DID YOU THINK OF ALL THAT? More importantly, I would like you to comment on how I did such a great job of remembering all these details, even though I was high as a kite. SEE YOU NEXT SEASON!

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]


Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 9554

Trending Articles



<script src="https://jsc.adskeeper.com/r/s/rssing.com.1596347.js" async> </script>