As you know, I'm always in search of my next "gravy train." You know, a person or scheme that will make me rich beyond my wildest dreams—although I would never say no to an actual train filled with gravy. Recent "gravy trains" include my plan to marry a rich old person... but Warren Buffett wasn't interested. Another involved inventing an app which would notify ice cream trucks to drive by my house... kind of like an Uber for adult-onset diabetics. But that idea blew up after learning my customer-base is primarily morbidly obese 10-year-olds whose parents refuse to further fatten up their kids. HEY, DUMB PARENTS! IT'S NOT MY FAULT ICE CREAM IS DELICIOUS!!
Well, I recently stumbled onto a new potential "gravy train," called "your nostalgic need for crappy reboots of Full House." As you may have heard, Netflix is producing a reboot of the '80s sitcom classic Full House to be called Fuller House. Spoiler alert: THAT IS A TERRIBLE NAME. Already signed up to star are Candace Cameron Bure (big sis D.J. Tanner), Jodie Sweetin (middle sis Stephanie Tanner), and Andrea Barber (neighbor Kimmy Gibbler) who shack up to help raise D.J.'s kids. Uncle Jesse (hunky mullet-owner John Stamos) will guest star, and plans to bring on Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, Lori Loughlin, and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen (SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!) are in the works.
Everybody in the world knows this show is going to suck hippo anus—and yet? There is money to be made off your nostalgia addiction, my friend! And nobody knows this better than the Lifetime Network, who—after achieving wild success with their horrific The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story—are hitching their wagon up to this nostalgia-driven project, and are currently casting the made-for-TV movie, Unauthorized Full House Story. A woefully unoriginal idea? YES, IT IS! Do they care? NO, THEY DO NOT! And do I want in on this gravy train action? YES, I MOST CERTAINLY DO.