First of all, did you watch The Muppets last night? I was all like, "Ehhhhh..."—mostly because the rotten jokes that worked so well in their old Vaudeville format didn't really translate to the new Office-style version of "reality." WHAT DID YOU THINK? Ponder on that, and check out the lineup of new and returning shows coming to your TV tonight!
8:00 ABC THE MIDDLE
Season premiere! The very idea of this show still infuriates me, so NOPE!
8:00 NBC THE MYSTERIES OF LAURA
Season premiere! The idea of this show infuriates me as well, so NOPE!
8:00 FOX ROSEWOOD
Debut! The extremely hot Morris Chestnut plays Dr. Beaumont Rosewood, "the most brilliant private pathologist in Miami." (How many private pathologists does Miami have?) Anyway, he can supposedly autopsy the shit out of corpses, and discover clues that baffle the police. Unless he's naked while doing it? NOT INTERESTED.
8:00 CBS SURVIVOR
Season premiere! Make it stop, and NOPE!
8:30 ABC THE GOLDBERGS
Season premiere! At least it's better than The Middle.
9:00 FOX EMPIRE
Season premiere! OMG I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH! Don't miss this rap industry version of Dynasty, that nails it on every level: great music, sexy characters, and Taraji P. Henson as Cookie Lyon—hands DOWN the best matriarch on TV. Plus, check out the line up of guest stars for tonight: Kelly Rowland, Marisa Tomei, Chris Rock, Don Lemon, and Al Sharpton?!? YESSSSSSSS.
9:00 NBC LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT
Season premiere! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!
9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
Season premiere! Used to like it... but now? NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!
9:30 ABC BLACK-ISH
Season premiere! It's no Empire.
10:00 ABC NASHVILLE
Season premiere! This is no Empire, either—but as less interesting doppelgängers go, it has its charms! Tonight Dylan gets his liver transplant, and Juliette Barnes duets with... Steven Tyler? This is a weird show.
DROP IN TOMORROW FOR MORE FALL SEASON PREVIEWS AND NOTIFICATIONS!