WHAT?? No word on that character that supposedly got offed last week? BOOOOO!!! On the upside, last night's episode of The Walking Dead was still interesting, and... frankly? Kind of made me feel like a jerk. I'll explain why in my SPOILER-FILLED recap of "Here's Not Here" after the jump! LET'S GET CHITTY-CHATTING!
MORE AFTER THE JUMP!
Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "Here's Not Here."
1) ... brought to you by AIKIDO™: proud sponsor of the Walking Dead and redirection.
2) Sorry Glenn, but it looks like you'll have to hang out under that dumpster for another week or two while we devote an entire 90 minute episode to Morgan and his blunt Aikido stick. HAAAAI-YAH! The ep opens with Morgan telling somebody his story about how he went from a drooling nutbag to a calm, Aikido master who refuses to kill jerks like that dickbag from the Wolf pack. YEAH, I KINDA WANNA KNOW HOW THAT CAME ABOUT, TOO. (Activate... flashback!)
3) Back in the bad old days after Rick and Michonne ran into him, Morgan was, as stated earlier, a drooling nutbag killing and burning zombies as well as a living father and son duo—who in Morgan's defense were running straight at him through the woods. (However, choking out the son was a bit on the drooly, aggro side.) But then? AHHHHHHHH! Cue the angelic chorus, because Morgan has found a beautiful glen, with tinkly water, wildflowers, and a.... goat? He knows humans are around, so it's "time to make the doughnuts"—though he calls it "clearing" which is supes boring. Unfortunately for Morgan, he's knocked on his ass by a stick-wielding doughy white guy named Eastman (played by John Carroll Lynch, who you've seen in a billion movies and TV shows including The Drew Carey Show, Fargo, and The West Wing!) In short, EMBARRASSING!
4) Eastman tosses Morgan into his cabin's handy jail cell, and gives him the choice of either leaving or crashing on his couch. And as Morgan later learns, the cell door's been open the entire time, because... AIKIDO™! After a nasty fight and getting knocked on his ass again (thanks AIKIDO™!), Morgan decides to chill the fuck out, read the supplied zen book, and slip treats to the goat... which means it's time for... AIKIDO™ TRAINING MONTAGE™!
5) After Morgan is sufficiently trained, he leads Eastman back to his zombie bonfire location where he has a marijuana freakout when the son he killed earlier comes shambling up as a walker. Eastman jumps in between the two and receives a zombie bite on the back for his trouble—and is it just me, or could Morgan have been a bit more apologetic? Anyway, Eastman heads back to bury the zombie, while Morgan freaks and runs off into the woods where he meets a human couple—but doesn't kill them because... AIKIDO™!
6) Morgan returns to the cabin to find that the pet goat was being eaten by a zombie (because the goat was never taught AIKIDO™, probably), and Eastman confesses that his family was killed before the apocalypse by a psycho murderer who he eventually captured and starved to death in that cabin cell of his. Naturally, the idea of starving that dude to death was more fun in the abstract, and Eastman admitted that he would never kill again... AIKIDO™!
7) Anyway, he dies, Morgan picks up his blunt stick (which could never pierce a zombie skull, btw, unless said skull was completely rotten, in which case, everybody should just chill out and wait for the zombies to rot away), and follows Rick's Rangers to Terminus... annnnd... flash back to present day!
8) "And so, Wolf pack member that I've been talking to this entire time, as you can see THAT is why I refuse to kill you, because if I can change, YOU can change, all life is precious, and... AIKIDO™! Now, can I sign you up for a year's membership to my Aikido class?"
9) "Umm... I'm gonna think about that, Morgan... right up until I MURDER EVERY MAN WOMAN AND CHILD IN ALEXANDRIA AUUUGHHHH I'M CRAZZZZZYYYYYY!!!"
10) "Hmmm... well, my cool AIKIDO™ story didn't work. Better lock him up in this Alexandria townhouse and go get Rick to kill him for me. By the way... has anybody seen Glenn?"
11) Aaaaaand... SCENE.
12) So for a 90 minute Aikido commercial about one character, I thought that was actually pretty good, and now I feel kind of bad about screaming, "MORGAN!! KILL THAT BUTTHOLE WOLF PACK MEMBER, WHY DON'TCHA?!?"What did YOU think about this episode? Let me know in the comments, and I'll see you next week in AIKIDO™ class! HAAAI-YAH! REDIRECTION! ALL LIFE IS PRECIOUS! FORMS!