Guys! Did you watch last night's episode of The Walking Dead? You know... the one with all the smoochies? Well, let's chitty-chat about that! Check out my spoiler-filled recap after the jump, and get ready for some hot lip-to-lip action!
MORE AFTER THE JUMP!
Here's what I'm thinking right now about last night's episode, "Now"!
1) "OPEN THE DAD-BLAMED GATE!!"Rick screams as he runs from a throng of zombies toward Alexandria. But you know what? Maybe he wouldn't be so panicked if he wasn't trying to run two miles in COWBOY BOOTS. It's the apocalypse, Rick. Maybe invest in some Nikes? [EYE ROLL]
2) Anyway, if that half horde of zombies weren't heading for Alexandria, they certainly are now thanks to Rick running and screaming like a little girl. When he gets inside, he tells the residents to stay super quiet—in a very loud tone of voice—and maybe Darryl and G.I. Ginger will lure them away. Unfortunately this pep talk doesn't really work with the residents or Mayor McLizard. (Sorry, but she does look like a lizard.)
3) Instead, the residents decide that "panic mode" might work better for them, and after one of the fatter ones yells, "Mah family's gonna STARVE to death!!" they raid the stockade for canned peaches. However they're stopped by Mayor McLizard's son—I don't have a name for him, so let's just call him "Sonny McLizard"—who reminds them that not only did he leave the gate open, he also stopped the crazy Wolf trucker who smashed into the outside wall. Ummmmm... what's your point, Sonny McLizard? I guess this confuses all the other residents who walk away without stealing a single thing.
4) But get this— later, Mayor McLizard walks in on drunk Sonny McLizard who totally tricked those other idiots by stealing the rationed food for himself! However, instead of giving him a high-five, she is inspired to draw up some new Alexandria plans to build gardens, a new energy center, and practice writing in Latin. (Show off.) Unfortunately, her upbeat mood is crushed when she later stumbles on to one of the Wolf zombies, and stupidly tries to murder it by stabbing it in the chest. Rick arrives on the scene, and is all like, "Have these people not heard anything I've said about stabbing zombies in the BRAIN?" After he dispatches the zombie for her, Mayor McLizard screams, "I WANT TO LIVE!!!" Okay, fine, maybe start by taking a shower and using some moisturizer?
5) Meanwhile Tara gives a pep talk to the town's most insecure physician, Dr. Denise, who responds by shoving her tongue down her throat. (If this were taped in front of a live studio audience, they'd all go, "ooooOOOOOOHHHH!"
6) In other meanwhiles, Jessie's Girl oh-so-softly kills a neighbor zombie who committed suicide, tries to lure her son downstairs with cookies (maybe he's afraid of getting another terrible haircut?), and locks tongues with Rick who I'm pretty sure hasn't brushed his teeth in two weeks. GROSS.
7) In yet other meanwhiles, Maggie is pretty concerned about the probably not-dead Glenn, and after seeing one of those bitch-ass neighbors write his name on the wall of the dead, decides to grab her gun and go after him. Aaron insists on coming along, and shows her a super secret spy tunnel (AKA the sewer), so they can get outside the Alexandria walls undetected. BUT AAAAAAHHHHH! Their are some super decomposed zombies down there (who probably smell better than Rick's breath), and Maggie falls apart under pressure. Aaron does the brain stabbing for her, and she announces to the world, "Ah'm PREGNANT, y'all!" To which Aaron replies, "Is it MINE?" Okay, he didn't say that, but it would've been funny if he had. The good news is THEY DIDN'T KISS.
8) Mayor McLizard shows her defiance (and stupidity) by banging on the Alexandria wall. Seriously, do you people not know the meaning of "BE QUIET??" And as she walks away, we notice that the wall begins bleeding! Oh great, not only is this place surrounded by zombies, it's got a POLTERGEIST too??? It's official: ALEXANDRIA IS THE WORST.
9) Okay, other than the sewer zombies, that was a pretty ho-hum hum-drum episode. I'm sure the writers thought those smooching scenes would add a little humanity to the series, but I don't watch this show for "humanity," I watch it for high quality "ZOMBIE SKULL SQUASHIN'!" And to watch Rick run in cowboy boots, which is hilarious. WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THIS ONE? Supply your commentary below, and join me again next week for more hot 'n' heavy Walking Dead tongue wrasslin'! Mmmmm-WAH!