AHOY, PORTLANDERS! It's time once again for the Rose Festival's annual FLEET WEEK, in which ships from the US Navy, US Coast Guard, and Royal Canadian Navy (not an actual Navy) temporarily dock on Portland's waterfront and expel thousands of love-hungry sailors into the downtown area. For those new to Fleet Week, here are a few facts and tips on how to interact with a sailor on the street:
• Sailors only speak in semaphore, so carry flags with you at all times.
• Upon request, a sailor is required by maritime law to lift you in his arms, and carry you out of your place of work while everyone cheers.
• While touring visiting ships, if you say the words "G-10," Navy personnel are required to reply, "Awwww! You sunk my battleship!" and fall backward into the water.
• Feel free to ask visiting sailors if they know Maverick and/or Goose, and when they reply, "they were naval aviators," nod and then ask them if they know Maverick and/or Goose.
• You can tell how much money a Navy officer earns just by looking at the insignia on their uniform. (This is actually true.) So don't settle!
• A good icebreaker: Ask if they shop exclusively at Old Navy.
• It is not a violation of the Stolen Valor Act to wear a fake sailor outfit—as long as the pants are attached by velcro.
• Navy personnel are required to join you in a rousing rendition of "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald."
• Shout "POP QUIZ! NAME ALL SEVEN SEAS," but walk away before they can answer.
• When greeting sailors, ask if they are "getting their scurv' on."
•"Do you know Aquaman?""Have you ever seen Aquaman?""Are you Aquaman?"
• Sailors love salty humor, so here's a joke they'll find amusing: "What's long, hard, and full of semen? My penis, and to prove it, here's my penis."
• Ask if they know where to find Cap'n Crunch. If they don't know, walk away but immediately return to ask if they know where to find Captain Morgan.
• Invite them to "walk your plank."
• To ensure a fair fight with a sailor, always eat a can of spinach first.
•"I love the Village People."