So my husband and I are both bisexual 30 year olds. And — spoiler alert — this one won't be about sex, though we do have a good amount of sex and it's not always just us two.
This is more a question about trust. My husband lies to me, not about sex, but about his weed addiction. We've talked about it, gone to therapy, and fought about his lying to me for the last four years of our five years together. Well tonight, after months of me thinking we had finally come to a good place of understanding and building back trust, I found his "frequent flyer card" for the local dispensary when I was doing the laundry. His initial reaction when I brought it to him was, "Oh, I found that on the ground." Unconvinced, I went to his home office in the backyard shed and found that he had indeed been buying and consuming weed.
At this point I have to stop, because I probably seem like the crazy anti-drug type. I have a history of parents with abuse issues and honesty around drug use is something I need to feel safe in this relationship. I am not anti-weed, I like to do edibles from time to time, and we both drink alcohol regularly. I just want him to be honest with me about when he is smoking and I have repeated that sentiment every time we've fought about it.
Some back story on him: History of depression/self-mutilation. Used weed to self-medicate for years. He's now in therapy on his own — thanks to my encouragement/finances — and he's now on anti-depressants prescribed by a professional and doing really well. I've totally camp-site-ruled the shit out of him and he's amazing now... save for this one big thing, aka lying to my face about smoking weed.
So back to the most recent episode of me giving him a chance to regain my trust for the nth time. Here I am, post-fight and I don't know what to do. I love this guy, we have a life together: a house, pets, no kids (yet). I want to trust him, to give him another chance to be honest with me. And I also have this nagging feeling that I'm being an idiot.
Should I DTMFA?
Worried Every Effing Day
I'm trying to imagine why a man would lie about smoking weed to a woman who uses weed herself, WEED, and "fearing her reaction" is the only reason I can come up with. So...
If you've demanded he disclose his weed use and then blown up when he disclosed it... his reluctance to disclose shouldn't come as a surprise.
Zooming out: You say love this guy, you get along well, you have a good sex life, and it sounds like you Pygmalion'd the shit of him — you got him into therapy, you got him on anti-depressants, you got him to stop engaging in acts of self-mutilation. I hope he appreciates all you've done for him. You say that he's doing really well — so it would seem that his secret weed use is only a problem because it's secret. It's not interfering with his . Just because he was self-medicating with weed then doesn't mean he can't enjoy weed now. (And some would argue that it's better to self-medicate with weed than to take
Unless the weed use is a problem, WEED, your insistence on disclosure, and your desire to inflate his dishonesty about something that should be a non-issue — but yet isn't — into a DTMFA-level offense just seems weird and controlling and conflict-seeking.