Three weeks from the wedding and I've only just realizing that my man will NEVER stop using porn. It's not just the insecurity thing, but I do admit to that of course. It's this feeling in the pit of my stomach. When I find out he's been using porn, I cant help but feel cheated and that our love is just not that special. Even worse, it deters me from wanting to have sex with him. Sex feels dirty to me knowing what he's doing behind my back. An intimate relationship is a spiritual thing for me and when he uses porn, it kills all of it for me. I can't believe I have to spend the rest of my life knowing my husband whacks off to other women. I don't know how to brainwash myself into not caring. I honestly just don't feel the same way about my relationship anymore, which is horrifying considering we're supposed to walk down the aisle in three weeks. This is probably all to blame because I was brought up Christian (atheist now).
Help! How do I learn accept this? I'm terrified. He's a wonderful man, but if I can't let go of these sick feelings about porn, I'll lose him.
Can't Rationally Accept Porn
A few years back sex researchers in Canada wanted to compare young men who've "consumed" porn to men who hadn't "consumed" porn. They had to cancel/rejigger the study because they didn’t find any men—young or otherwise—who hadn't wolfed down shitloads of porn.
Here are your choices, CRAP: marry this wonderful man (and get some CBT) or enter an atheist convent. Because you’re going to have the same problem with any other man you might meet: they've all watched porn, they're all watching porn, they're all going to keep watching porn. Maybe you’ll find yourself a better liar, CRAP, i.e. a guy who says he doesn't watch porn and is really good about covering his tracks/deleting his browser history. Or, hell, maybe you'll find the statistically improbable guy who actually doesn’t watch porn. But even if you find that guy, CRAP, you’re never going to find a straight guy who at the very least doesn't jerk off thinking about other women once in a while. Most people—men and women and OPATGS*, gay and straight and OPATOS**—admit to occasionally whacking off to people other than their boyfriends/girlfriends/nonbinaryfriends/husbands/wives.
You can’t police someone’s fantasies or their erotic imaginations, CRAP, and you’ll only make yourself miserable if you try. And ask yourself these questions (and answer them honestly!): Are you ever attracted to other men? Do you ever think about other men? Is your erotic imagination—and your fantasies—limited to the surface area of your fiancé's skin? Or is your erotica imagination more expansive than that?
How do you learn to accept this? If you're truly as distressed by this (the porn, the whacking off thinking about other women) as you claim, you talk it over with a sex-and-reality-positive shrink.
* Other Points Along The Gender Spectrum
** Other Points Along The Orientational Spectrum