Why can't I seem to date a guy who likes anal sex? Is it a Seattle thing? Is it a mid-late twenties thing? Is it because I'm a bad top? I'm a healthy, attractive, twenty-something with a pretty penis and a nice complexion in the gayest city in America who just wants someone to sit on my face and enjoy it. The problem is I keep finding myself in relationships that otherwise have wicked fun synergy, save for the part when I want to play with his butthole; the response is continually less than encouraging. The obvious answer, of course, is to just keep poking around until I find something that fits, but this pattern is starting to give me a complex and I want to know if perhaps I'm doing it wrong. Do shy sphincters abound in the gay community? I love butt stuff and I'd just like to find a nice boy who shares my perverted fantasies. Grindr culture is a drag, I'm not into rando hookups, and I'm not going to Purr because it smells like farts in there—is there hope for a frisky and forlorn queerdo seeking healthy, connected, flip-flop fun?
The Clench
Our week of non-Trump related SLLOTDs continues...
I'm sure you're a smart, smutty twenty-something, TC, but let me first clarify that anal sex isn't a "perverted fantasy." (Maybe you were referring to your other perverted fantasies—and if you have them, good for you! But, on its own, anal sex doesn't rank high on the perverted fantasy list.) Anal sex—like all types of sex—is sticky and intense and sometimes messy and vulnerable. Most people don't come out of the closet ready to power bottom like a champ. It's your job to help a bottom be relaxed and comfortable when you're topping. So, even if your partner's response is "less than encouraging," you need to listen and work with what they (and their bodies) are telling you.
Based on your letter, it sounds like you're relationship-focused. That's great, if you're into that sort of thing! But don't shit on rando hookups or Grindr culture or Purr or farts (they can be hilarious, and some people are actually into them). Maybe your past couple of partners haven't been into bottoming with you, TC, but don't let that turn into a complex. There's a whole city of Seattlelites who are ready to tell you they love bottoming, but they might be too busy rando hookup-ing, Grindr-ing, drinking at Purr, or actually having to fart once in a while because they're human and stuff.
Yes, there are issues to gripe about with Grindr, but don't piss on it, TC (at least not without its permission). You know what's great about Grindr? You can ask for what you want! And you know what happens? Especially in the GAY city of Seattle? People respond! And some of them will wanna give you what you want! Hookup apps make some users anxious, and that's fine. But I encourage you to get past your hang-ups so you can hookup. And look the fuck around: lots of great, lasting, loving relationships got their starts as hookups. So do this, TC: download Grindr (or Scruff or OKCupid whatever the fuck you're all using right now) and post the link to this letter on your profile. I'm betting there'll be plenty of bottoms who'll want to show you their sphincters aren't so shy.