Up until this point, if you were careful, you could probably duck a lot of the Christmas season's encroachment into most aspects of your life. But this weekend pretty much puts that game to bed. 'Tis the season like a motherfucker, with the Hollywood giving 70mmgifts for film fans, Sean Jordan returning home with all sorts of presents for local comedy lovers, the Siren Theater putting on a holly jolly holiday sketch party, Party Boyz presenting a punk rock showcase to spit in Santa's eye, Slant providing a special seasonal version of their storytelling wonderfulness, A street full of Kramupses scaring little children all night, and Poison Waters turning a regular everyday brunch into a smorgasbord of fabulousness. There's a ton of Christmas gold in this weekend's lineup, and a ton of regular gold for those still looking to enjoy themselves without a bunch of tinsel and flocking involved. Hit the menu below and load your plate accordingly.
Jump to: Friday | Saturday | Sunday
Friday, Dec 9
No Feminism, No Future: Celebrating 20 Years of Bitch Media
Bitch Media celebrates its 20th anniversary with a feminist art show showcasing new and original works from a wide array of the talented and influential voices who have contributed illustrations and art to the publication over the years. Admission gets you food from Sisters Kitchen, beer from Lagunitas Brewing Company, access to a photo booth, and a chance to win raffle prices from Sou’wester Lodge, ¿Por Que No? Taqueria, Bloom Pilates, Collage, Tender Loving Empire, Grand Central Bakery, Queen Bee Creations, Mother's Bistro, and more.
6 pm, Lagunitas Brewing Community Room, $25
Sean Jordan & Friends Holiday Show
Sean Jordan is at or near the top of any serious list of “Best Comedians Portland’s Lost to the Big City Lately.” Fortunately that Big City is Los Angeles, which we sort of share a coast with, and Jordan’s back in his old stomping grounds fairly frequently. If it’s been a while since you laughed ’til it hurt, Jordan and the rest of tonight’s Sean Jordan and Friends Holiday Show have you covered. DIRK VANDERHART
9 pm, The Secret Society, $12-15
Horse Thief
The Oklahoma City-via-Denton, Texas band bring their psych-tinged folk rock to the Bunk Bar stage.
9:30 pm, Bunk Bar, $8
Haley Bonar, Night Moves, Marty Marquis
How long can one be under-appreciated? For more than a decade, wickedly talented singer/songwriter Haley Bonar (rhymes with “honor”) has been cranking out top-shelf folk-rock from her home base of Minnesota, first in Duluth (where she was discovered at an open mic by Low’s Alan Sparhawk) and then in St. Paul. She lived in Portland briefly, too. Don’t misunderstand: She has consistently earned positive reviews, and her profile has risen over the years. But Bonar’s two most recent solo albums—2014’s Last War and this year’s Impossible Dream—fully deliver on her considerable promise by stepping up the pace and adding more distortion to the guitars. The result: Two near-perfect pop-rock records that neatly pair toe-tapping tunes and lyrics that grapple with, well, life in general. It’s beautifully bittersweet stuff from a woman who knows what she’s doing, and who does it better than most. BEN SALMON
7 pm, The Analog Cafe and Little Theater, $13, all ages
The Siren Theater's Best Christmas Ever
Bad Reputation Productions, the hilarious misfits responsible for Road House: The Play!, The Lost Boys - Live!, and Rudolph On Stage!, present a new sketch comedy production that's sure to bring a forth an avalanche of holiday cheer.
Dec 9-10, 8 pm, Siren Theater, $12-16
St Johns Winter Beer Fest
St Johns hosts their sixth annual celebration of winter beer, (the best beer), featuring 20 different winter brews, including stouts, porters, IPAs and more. 3oz. pours are $1, glasses are $10, and food from Urban German and Ash Woodfired Pizza.
Dec 9-11, noon, The Central Hotel, $20
Charlie Hunter Quartet
The acclaimed jazz guitarist and his backing band come to Mississippi studios in support of his 2016 full-length, Everybody Has A Plan Until They Get Punched in the Mouth.
8 pm, Missisippi Studios, $20
Faster, Pussy Cat: Thrill! Thrill! A Cat Themed Variety Show
Portland's only cat-themed variety show returns to Crush bar with purrformances from Valerie DeVille, Sid Simpatico, Chris Khatami, Sindel Asylum, Kahl Fuego, Marla Darling, Miss Aurora, Belinda Carroll, Mars, and Prince Peanutbutter. Hosted by Carla Rossi. Music by DJ Aurora.
9 pm, Crush, $5-10
Genders, Tele Novella, Dreckig
If Portland had a house band, it’d probably be Genders. The four-piece plays around town all the time, tours nonstop (with Built to Spill, no less), and cranks out new music like a goddamn machine. CIARA DOLAN
9 pm, The Fixin' To, $5
Blind Pilot, The Revivalists, The Record Company
The KINK Jingle Bell Jam returns, bringing performances from Blind Pilot and The Revivalists to the Roseland stage.
7 pm, Roseland, $35-53
Chloe Caldwell, Jay Ponteri
Chloe Caldwell reads from her new book, I'll Tell You in Person, an personal essay collection that focuses on Caldwell's attempts at adulthood and all of the bumps and bruises that come along the way. Caldwell will be joined in conversation by Jay Ponteri, author of Wedlocked: A Memoir.
7:30 pm, Powell's City of Books
Bombay Beach, Love Boys, Death List
Bombay Beach’s Jeremiah Hayden (also of Modern Kin), Kelli Schaefer, Ryan Lynch, and Matt Zimmerman vacillate between cinematic art-rock wizards and melodic pop alchemists. RYAN J. PRADO
9 pm, (The World Famous) Kenton Club
Xasthur, Johanna Warren, Nest, Vradiazei
“It reminds me of death. I like it.” That’s what one user commented on the Bandcamp page for Xasthur’s best album, 2006’s Subliminal Genocide. For 15 years, Scott “Malefic” Conner’s one-man black metal band was one of the most creative and prolific in the underground, dispersing his immersive collision of hellish howls and melodic guitars across a torrent of LPs and split releases with like-minded bands. Then in 2010, Conner shelved Xasthur to focus on dark acoustic music under the name Nocturnal Poisoning, and went on to release three albums (including one instructively titled Doomgrass). But last year Conner announced that he’d revive Xasthur, play live under the name for the first time, and release a new album called Subject to Change. It’s not a return to black metal, though—“There’s no need to rehash old Xasthur songs,” he wrote. “The acoustic ones are plenty dark, and sometimes they’re not.” Fair enough, Scott! BEN SALMON
9 pm, High Water Mark, $12
Mijo, Asss, 2Tabs
Gran Ritmos presents a showcase for the skills of "Mexican Techno" producer Alec Sander, performing under his Mijo moniker, with support from Asss and 2Tabs. Read our story on Mijo.10 pm, S1
Saturday, Dec 10
Party Boyz: December to Forget
The one good thing about this miserable time of year is: parties galore. And tonight the podcasters/impresarios of Party Boyz celebrate winter cheer with their semi-annual December to Forget (DTF) bash. Enjoy loud punk rock from Seattle’s Wimps and freaky trop-psych from Portland’s Sun Angle. Dance. Wear an ugly sweater. Bring a donation. Drink. Party your face off and forget how cold, wet, and dark it is out there. NED LANNAMANN
8:30 pm, The Liquor Store, $10
Slant: Queer Live Storytelling Holiday Show
Sister Britt hosts this holiday edition of the much loved storytelling series, featuring guests Cooper Lee Bombardier, Shawn Fleek, Samantha Taylor, and more.
7 pm, Mississippi Studios
Spartacus and Sleeping Beauty in 70mm
Until we cure cancer or whatever, humankind's technological progress has reached its apex with Netflix and Hulu. But that said: When it comes to watching a movie—like, really watching a movie—there's nothing that can touch a movie projected from 70mm film. As the only theater in Oregon that can still show movies in 70—most theaters ditched the beloved format once cheaper, easier, and crappier options came along—the Hollywood Theatre has brought Portlanders some unforgettable 70mm screenings, from Lawrence of Arabia to The Hateful Eight. This weekend, the theater will crank up their speakers, polish their lenses, and screen two more must-see movies on 70: Stanley Kubrick's 1960 masterpiece Spartacus and the 1959 Walt Disney landmark Sleeping Beauty. If you're a parent, you're legally obligated to drag your snot-smeared spawn to Sleeping Beauty so they can see how gorgeous animated movies used to be, and if you're anybody else? Buckle up—because not only will Kubrick, Kirk Douglas, Lawrence Olivier, and Jean Simmons remind you why Spartacus is a stone-cold classic, but Spartacus' whole “rebellion against a corrupt republic” thing? Possibly relevant. ERIK HENRIKSEN
Hollywood Theatre, see Movie Times for showtimes
The Dandy Warhols, Telegram
The Dandys recently announced plans to open a new wine bar here in town, but their entrepreneurial venture isn't getting in the way of them playing shows. Catch them tonight for a hometown performance at the Crystal and an after party at Ringlers Pub.
8 pm, Crystal Ballroom, $20-25
Jump Jack Sound Machine
Mississippi Studios’ monthly queer dance party Jump Jack Sound Machine was founded a few months ago by Portland musicians Natasha Kmeto and Chanticleer Tru of Chanti Darling. Its ongoing theme is getting sweaty, so come prepared to shake your body without inhibition and cleanse yourself of this year’s bullshit. CIARA DOLAN
10 pm, Mississippi Studios, $5
Crafty Wonderland
The craftiest weekend of the year returns, with wares on display from over 250 artists and makers, as well goodie bags for the first 150 shoppers each day. Visit craftywonderland.com for more information.
Dec 10-11, 11 am, Oregon Convention Center, free, all ages
Shook Twins, Rabbit Wilde
If you fancy yourself as someone who keeps up with local music, there's a good chance you've heard of the Shook Twins. And there's good reason, because those twins work like an army. Their success is growing in a grassroots fashion, and not the kind that just involves selfies on Instagram. Their twin voices shape flawless harmonies, with a fluidity that likely comes not only from blood ties but endless touring. Their bluegrass-tinged, upbeat jam folk comes close to cliché, but it clearly comes from such an honest place it can't help but be respected and enjoyed. ROBIN BACIOR
8 pm, Revolution Hall, $18-22, all ages
The 7th Annual Portland Krampuslauf March
At this point there's like 30 different marches and/or pub crawls starring randos in Santa suits getting blotto downtown. How to set your own merrymaking march apart? Hail Krampus, Santa's goaty opposite number! Rock the finest in horned-and-clawed, mossy, boney, and furry apparel, snatch up a switch or some chains, and take to the Hawthorne pavement at dusk!
4 pm, Sewallcrest Park
Arc Iris
Bunk Bar and Pickathon present an evening with this Providence, Rhode Island-hailing dream folk trio who are currently touring in support of their 2016 full-length, Moon Saloon.
9 pm, Bunk Bar, $12
Party for Peace: Alela Diane, Eric Earley, Michael Hurley, Denver
Four distinct local acts share an unconventional and intimate space with all proceeds going to benefit Standing Rock, Portland Black Lives Matter, and the ACLU.
5 pm, Beam & Anchor, $25
Grizzly, Glacier Veins
A farewell show with the local pop punk and alt rock quartet before they go on hiatus.
7 pm, The Analog Cafe and Little Theater, $7, all ages
Handel's Messiah
Call me a Grinch, but the worst part of the holidays is modern holiday music. The last half-century has given us a cornucopia of reindeer- and snowflake-themed sap that’s nauseating enough to make you reenact the Virgin Mary’s immaculate morning sickness. If you prefer festive listening that’d never be played at the Gap, why not double down with classical? The Portland Baroque Orchestra can help—its annual performances of Handel’s Messiah are something of a local holiday tradition, and deservedly so. Messiah is among the most beloved choral works in Western music, a gorgeous and frequently thrilling piece. PBO performs using period instruments, which means that this version is about as close as possible to what Handel would have witnessed himself. And if your attention span doesn’t exceed the length of a Netflix holiday special, the final performance is abridged—just the highlights. NATHAN TURNER
7:30 pm, First Baptist Church, all ages
Beastmaker, The Well, R.I.P.
Beastmaker plays metal. Not any sort of hyphenated metal. Just pure, old-school, heavy fuckin' metal.
9 pm, (The World Famous) Kenton Club, $5
Portland Green Festival
A weekend showcase of products and services designed to help you live as green a life as you possibly can, with panels, discussions, hands-on activities, and vendors sharing vegan and vegetarian foods, fashions, and designs.
Dec 10-11, 10 am, Oregon Convention Center, free
Not My President: What Next?
An open dialogue for those who have friends or family in their lives who voted for and support Trump. Topics will include how to address these friends and family members in an open and engaging way, help address the needs they feel are not being met, and educate them on some of the issues they might not be seeing.
2 pm, PNCA
Sunday, Dec 11
Big Daddy Kane, Vursatyl, Grand Royale
Big Daddy Kane stepped back from the spotlight many years back, but his shadow of influence still looms large over the many scenes of today’s diverse hip-hop culture. And for good reason: Kane is one of the greatest MCs to ever put voice to mic, so the chance to see this legend in the flesh should absolutely not be missed. Long live the Kane. NED LANNAMANN
9 pm, Star Theater, $20
Poison Waters Holiday Brunch
Peel yourself out of bed this Sunday and head to the Ho Ho Ho edition of Poison Waters’ Sunday brunch show. Your ticket includes access to a breakfast buffet (coffee! Hot chocolate! Eggs! Bread! Bacon!), a show featuring the local drag star, and then there’s a screening of White Christmas. It’s probably in your tummy’s best interest to arrive at 10 am when the doors open, before the food gets too picked over. Then be entertained as your stomach settles. JENNI MOORE
10 am, Mission Theater, $21
The Album Leaf, Rituals of Mine
Upon an examination of the Album Leaf’s sprawling discography, you’ll find a career devoted to maximizing the potential of pastoral orchestration. It seems as though multi-instrumentalist Jimmy Lavalle’s spiritual calling is to fuse as much flesh-and-bone humanity as he can into the coldest and most distant electronic spheres. Primarily centered on deftly meditative keyboard or guitar motifs, Album Leaf compositions slowly build and expand on the idea of melancholic vibration while testing the parameters of studio technology and deploying a wide palette of stylistic sources (break beats, electronica, indie rock). When these sounds are paired with impressionistic films or expressive lighting, the resulting ambience can reach the sublime. These artistic philosophies shine beautifully on Between Waves, their newest release on the highly respected metal label Relapse, just the latest legendary imprint to believe in this amazing band. CHRIS SUTTON
9 pm, Doug Fir, $16-18
Nathaniel Rateliff
Denver-based singer-songwriter Nathaniel Rateliff brings his blend of folk and roots music back to Portland for a "December to Remember" show at the Crystal.
8 pm, Crystal Ballroom, $24.50
Disney's Beauty and the Beast
Beast, Belle, Gaston, Le Fou, Lumiere, Mrs. Potts, and Chip all return to Portland for a pre-Christmas run of shows celebrating the 25th anniversary of Academy-Award winning Disney classic, featuring songs by Alan Menken and Howard Ashman.
2 pm, Newmark Theatre, $25-55, all ages
Gospel Christmas
Come out and clap your hands and stomp your feet along with the Northwest Community Gospel Choir and the Oregon Symphony at the latest installment of this long-running holiday tradition.
4 pm, Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, $35-115, all ages
The Mystery Box Show
Portland's long-running storytelling series dedicated to the sexier side of things returns with true tales from headliners Bri Pruett and Dirty Lola.
7 pm, Alberta Rose Theatre, $20-55
The Cave Singers, The Acapulco Lips
The Seattle-hailing trio bring their dynamic blend of Americana and folk-rock down the I-5 in support of their new album, Banshee.
9 pm, Mississippi Studios, $18
Bad Santa
There's a sequel to this now. Don't go to that. Go to this. Not only does it work better as a stand-alone story of cheerful misanthropy, but it also works better as a Gilmore Girls finale, thanks to the presence of Lauren Graham. Plus for as long as this movie is running, you can pretend that Bernie Mac and John Ritter are still alive, and that's a Christmas miracle all by itself. At least right up until the point where Bernie gets hit by a car and electrocuted (spoilers.) But still! Watch this. Avoid the sequel. Celebrate the hate. Merry fuckin' Christmas. BOBBY ROBERTS
4:30 pm, 9:35 pm, Laurelhurst Theater, $4
Don't forget to check out our Things To Do calendar for even more things to do!