I am a 21-year-old woman in my very first sexual relationship. (Hooray, finally!) My partner is a lot more experienced than I am and has been doing a great job (so far) of taking the lead. He's been patient and kind, but I can tell things are getting a little stale for him. We satisfy each other, but I want to get to a place where I feel comfortable experimenting. This is hard for me to do, being new to the whole sex thing, and as a bigger woman with some body image and confidence issues.
He asks me to do fun things ranging from sitting on his lap while we make out to sitting on his face… and I am always hesitant because I can’t shake the feeling that I am going to crush him!
And crush is no exaggeration— I’m about 5’7” and weigh 270 pounds. I try to tell myself I’m a babe anyway, and I’m working on losing weight. He’s attracted to me, so I’m not concerned about that, but I am concerned about causing him harm. He is 6’4” and probably has 50+ pounds on me, but because of his size I’m worried he won’t say anything if I’m hurting him. Having grown up bigger, I know the expectation is that you’re extra strong, too. To complicate things further, he knows I am self-conscious about my size so being a kind and perceptive person he will avoid saying anything about it that might hurt my feelings.
How do I get past my very un-sexy hesitancy? How do we determine his weight bearing limits without causing unnecessary injury? Any tips on good reads for people who are trying to have a vital sex life while overweight?
Bewildered But Willing
Congrats, BBW, on finding a kind, patient, and experienced partner who's clearly into you. (Men rarely invite women they feel "meh" about to sit on their faces.) In regards to your concerns, BBW, you can start by telling this guy exactly what you told us: "I'm worried you won't say anything if I'm hurting you. Having grown up bigger, I know the expectation is that you're extra strong. But, if I ever hurt you, let me know."
By giving him the okay to communicate with you about this concern, BBW, the onus—like your butt—is on him. If something is uncomfortable or painful or awkward, he needs to let you know and knows he can. Once you've made your speech, once you've opened up those lines of communication, you can focus on enjoying yourself. He may never say anything—he may never need to—but even if he does say something at some point, BBW, it's not a big deal. So long as you quickly and courteously adjust, shift your weight, get into a new position, etc., without telegraphing annoyance (as that might make him hesitate to give you feedback in the future), there's most likely no harm and certainly no foul. With sex, no matter a person's size, there's always two (or three or seven) people moving over, under, and beside each other, with limbs, holes, bellies, faces, and gravity all in play. Sometimes people knee each other or put weight in a weird place. In those situations adults use their words ("Hey, you're putting a little too much pressure on my face") and their manners ("Oh, sorry, I'll get up") and adjust, navigate, shift, rollover, whatever.
And regardless of how much pressure you put on his face, BBW, you're never gonna crush his skull all your lonesome. Science says so:
An average human skull can withstand 520 pounds of force before crushing. This human bone is stronger than steel and concrete of the same mass and is almost impossible to crush unless using a heavy object. A cubic inch of bone can bear a load of 19,000 pounds before crushing. Force is calculated by multiplying the mass by the acceleration of an object. A quite heavy object must be traveling at a significant speed to achieve the force necessary to crush a human skull, and it is not possible for human beings to produce the force required for this experiment.
Now, extra weight can stress knees and other joints, making some sex positions uncomfortable, so find positions that work best for the two of you. Many large folks recommend spooning, fucking from behind, and a modified missionary position with pillows supporting the hips. And, as always, sex isn't just about penetration. Oral sex, toys, spanking, etc. are easy to incorporate!
And by the way, BBW, studies have shown that being overweight can have surprising benefits in bed, like larger men being less likely to experience premature ejaculation and larger women reporting more frequent sex. For a book suggestion, Hanne Blank's "Big Big Love: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them)" will boost your self-esteem and dispel some myths.