A few of us Mercury staffers are sharing their top five Christmas songs on Blogtown this week. I'm going first, but as you'll see, my list is the only one that matters. Despite the other lists that'll get posted in the next couple of days, here is the correct list of the top five best-ever Christmas songs.
5. Neil Diamond - "Cherry Cherry Christmas"
This schmaltzy bit of treacle is one of the weirdest Christmas songs ever recorded. It comes from Neil Diamond's THIRD album of Christmas music and it exists solely so that Diamond can slot in references to all of his other, better hit songs from years past. See if you can spot them all: There's "Song Song Blue,""I'm a Believer,""If You Know What I Mean," more than one truly gratuitous nod to "Sweet Caroline," and that most festive Neil Diamond song of all, "Red Red Wine," among many others. I haven't even mentioned the swanky-ass saxophone solo. This song is a holy mess that turns into a weirdly triumphant spectacle, and if that doesn't sum up Christmastime, I don't know what does.
4. Slade - "Merry Xmas Everybody"
For some reason, 1970s glam rock and Christmas went together like peas in a pod. Here's proof: Wizzard's "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday"; T. Rex's "Christmas Bop"; Elton John's "Step into Christmas"; Gary Glitter's "Rock 'n' Roll Christmas." But the greatest glam-rock Christmas song of all is Slade's 1973 gem "Merry Xmas Everybody," a shuffling sing-along with a terrific hooky guitar riff and a slightly bonzo sense of chaos, kind of like the whirlwind of wrapping paper when it's time to rip open your presents. This is still a monster hit in the UK, played to death every year. I suppose I'd hate it if I heard it that much, but American radio doesn't play it ALL that often, so let's enjoy it while the season is right. "It's CHRIIIIIIIIISTMAS!" shrieks singer Noddy Holder toward the end, sounding like he's already dipped into the eggnog.
3. The Waitresses - "Christmas Wrapping"
A peppy, upbeat number lamenting the frustrations of the calendar's most frustrating holiday, this—along with "I Know What Boys Like"—is, for most, the extent of the legacy of terrific Akron, Ohio new wave band the Waitresses. The track became an anchor around the band's neck, unfortunately, and they became best known for this hastily written Christmas novelty hit rather than their very worthy catalog of non-Christmas songs. The injustices of the marketplace notwithstanding, this is just a great tune in general, incorporating Debbie Harry-style rapping and a tricky horn part into a great and unconventional holiday confection.
2. William Bell - "Everyday Will Be Like a Holiday"
It could be argued that this isn't necessarily a Christmas song, but with the holiday sentiment and the sleigh bells, I'll say it is. This wasn't a huge hit when Stax released it 1967, and I don't understand why, although it's taken on an afterlife in the years since. Like the best of Christmas songs, it's got something for everyone, parents and kids alike—it's both slow and groovy, both sexy and heartwarming. Roy Wood's Wizzard paraphrased its theme in the aforementioned "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday" but whereas that song sounds like an army of toddlers amped up on sugar, this one is soulful and sweet.
1. The Kinks - "Father Christmas"
"Give all the toys/To the little rich boys," sing Ray and Dave Davies of the Kinks in their 1977 Christmas single, an angry snarl coming at the end of the year when punk rock broke music apart. This song was written when a pronounced gap separated England's have and have-nots, and our situation in the US right now is really not that different. America's worst little rich boy is about to take over the presidency, with a further flock of terrible little rich white people to fill up his cabinet; outside in the rest of the country, we're facing economic disparity, a struggling middle class, and a pronounced housing crisis right here in Portland. Give us some money, Santa Claus! Don't mess around with those silly toys! If there was ever a Christmas song to start the revolution, it's this one.