Holy shit, we made it to Christmas! Gonna be honest—wasn't entirely convinced that was gonna happen. Lord knows if any year was going to figure out a way to literally cancel Christmas, it'd be this one. But here we are (leans over and knocks on something made out of dead trees) ready to do that Christmas thing, finally. How so? Well, that's up to you, isn't it? There's some comedy, some traditional classics, some clubbin', and of course, the part where you get seriously altered with friends and family and sleep in way too long the next day. Your Christmas menu awaits—hit the links below and enjoy yourself.
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Friday, Dec 23
Matt Braunger
LA-based comedian and Bridgetown Comedy Festival co-founder Matt Braunger cut his teeth in the Chicago stand-up scene with the likes of T.J. Miller and Kyle Kinane, but he’s still a Portlander at heart. This weekend the affable comedian returns to his hometown to spend holidays with his family, but not before treating an audience to a set of his lovable, self-deprecating jokes and unrivaled storytelling. CHIPP TERWILLIGER
8 pm, Aladdin Theater, $20, all ages
Blazers vs. Spurs
For the first time this season, and the second time since he bolted to San Antonio, LaMarcus Aldridge is coming back to where he spent the first nine years of his career. Regardless, this one will be a fun one to watch: The Spurs are NBA championship contenders, loaded with entertaining stars like Kawhi Leonard, Tony Parker, and Aldridge’s backcourt partner Pau Gasol. And we need to beat them, so show up and yell. DOUG BROWN
7 pm, Moda Center, $30-400, all ages
Love in this Club
Resident DJs Ben Tactic and Nathan Detroit (Bubblin', Body Party, Booty Bassment, and Spend the Night) present a holiday installment of their Love in this Club dance night.
9 pm, Holocene, $5
Bob Odenkirk: What do I Know?
Not so much a show as it is an opportunity to have the life and experiences of Mr. Odenkirk spill out all over the stage, as he describes his path through the entertainment industry, and all the things he learned as he moved through the worlds of sketch, improv, writing, and dramatic performance.
noon, Brody Theater, $75
A Tuna Christmas
The small town of Tuna, Texas celebrates Christmas in a comedically unique that's become an annual Portland tradition.
7:30 pm, Winningstad Theatre, $20-40
No Pants Record Showcase
If No Pants is throwing a party, chances are pretty good you're going to get surprised by something, with live sets from Throw, Zax Vandal, and Matt Danger.
9 pm, White Eagle, $7
Christmas Eve
Blowpony's Christ-Mess
Blowpony’s regular queer dance nights are always a hot mess of fabulousness—but there’s no kind of mess like a Christ-mess! Get sweaty and hot on Christmas Eve with this yuletide edition of Blowpony, with special guest host/beloved San Francisco drag queen Lady Bear, and turntablism provided by Airick X, Aurora, Matt Consola, and Just Dave. Oh, and of course there will plenty of “Gay-Ass Go Go dancing”—because ‘tis the season! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
9 pm, Bossanova Ballroom, $7
Winter Wonderland Holiday Light Show
Okay, fine, so you don't get to race around the speedway at 100 MPH. But the Portland International Raceway does have a very fun and detailed Winter Wonderland light show in which you creep around the track looking at lighted displays of Santa doing ski jumps, and listening to holiday tunes on the radio. It's extremely pleasant (and the closest you'll get to being Mario Andretti). WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
5 pm, Portland International Raceway, $20-45, all ages
Peacock Lane
SCARF UP, MOTHERFUCKERS! It's time to get your eggnog-loving ass to Peacock Lane, which starting TONIGHT will blaze and burn with SO MUCH GODDAMN CHRISTMAS CHEER that your eyes will shoot out jets of scalding-hot mulled wine! For over 80 years, the residents of Peacock Lane have gone bugfuck shitcrazy with Christmas lights—and my sources on the Lane are whispering that this year is gonna be a particularly mind-blowing orgasm of electric insanity! Will there be a hot cocoa booth? FUCKING OF COURSE THERE WILL BE, AND I'M GOING TO DRINK ALL OF IT. ERIK HENRIKSEN
6 pm, Peacock Lane, free, all ages
Disney's Beauty and the Beast
Beast, Belle, Gaston, Le Fou, Lumiere, Mrs. Potts, and Chip put on one last Portland show to celebrate not just the Christmas season, but the 25th anniversary of Academy-Award winning Disney classic, featuring songs by Alan Menken and Howard Ashman.
noon, Newmark Theatre, $25-55, all ages
Christmas Eve Dinner
23 Hoyt owner Bruce Carey personally decorates the dining area to provide the proper ambience for this multi-course Christmas Eve dinner, with a special children's menu for the kids under 12.
4 pm, 23 Hoyt, $50, all ages
Christmas Day
Watch Some Stuff on TV While You Slowly Recover From the Hangover (Alcohol- or Food-Induced) Incurred The Night Previous
Seriously. Just lay around, if you don't have to work. Play some video games or somethin'. Maybe you're one of the few people who managed to score one of those NES Classic Editions (fuck you), so put some hours in digging through that 8-bit goldmine. There's bound to be some shit on Netflix. There's a Doctor Who Christmas Special if you're into that. I think Peter Capaldi's Doctor is pretty cool, although Steven Moffat's mostly wasted him, which is sad as hell considering all the poten—shit. Sorry. Was rambling for a sec.
All Damn Day, Your Living Room, free, all ages
Various Theaters, see Movie Times for showtimes and locations
Don't forget to check out our Things To Do calendar for even more things to do!