Let me tell you, folks—it's not easy being an "influencer." You know... the person who has a contrary opinion about something, but is eventually proven to be ABSOLUTELY RIGHT (even though no one will ever publicly admit it)? Sigh. Such is the life of the influencer! Like when I told everyone to stop liking the Beatles, because a lot of their music is baloney-filled donkey-plop? No one believed me at first... but after years of repetition, everyone now finally agrees that the Beatles are the worst. (Especially John Lennon. Second place: George Harrison. Third worst: Ringo Starr. Last worst: Paul McCartney.)
This brings me to the Super Bowl (NBC, Sun Feb 1, 3 pm). How long have I been writing this column? (That's not a rhetorical question... I really don't know!) Answer: A LONG-ASS TIME. And every year I bellyache about the Super Bowl being a terrible, awful waste of time—even more so than the Beatles. Why? Because football is ridiculously inferior to almost every other sport. The only talents needed to play football are throwing, catching, and taking steroids. It doesn't take any ability to throw and catch a football! It's like six times bigger than a baseball! And as for steroids... well, let's just say there's a reason football isn't allowed in the Olympics!
I know, I know... I'm preaching to the choir and most of you already know this—but for the rest of you? I will now present ROCK-SOLID PROOF that no one actually cares about Super Bowl football anymore. [Note! If you're a person who can't handle the truth, feel free to run away crying like a fat titty-suckin' baby.]