Question: Do you despise "humanity"? Then boy-oh-boy-oh-boy, do I have a television show for you! It's called Zoo, and it's debuting Tuesday, June 30, at 9 pm on CBS. What's it about? Ohhhhh... nothing all that interesting... unless you think ANIMALS EATING THE BUTTHOLES OUT OF HUMANS ARE INTERESTING!!!
(Take a deeeeep breath, Humpy. Don't get overcome by your unbridled enthusiasm for ANIMALS EATING THE BUTTHOLES OUT OF HUMANS OHBOYOHBOYOHBOY!!!!)
Ahem. Sorry. Sorry. According to the press release from CBS, Zoo is based on the 2012 James Patterson novel of the same name, starring Mad Men's James Wolk (Bob Benson!!!) as "renegade zoologist" (!!!) Jackson Oz who, along with an "off-kilter veterinarian" (???) and a comely female "French investigator" (!!!), discover a rash of strange animal attacks on human beings (read: butthole eatings) around the globe.
At first it's just African animals eating the buttholes out of tourists—which is not alarming at all, and pretty much par for the course. BUT THEN! Then the animal attacks mysteriously spread to other parts of the world, where animals don't ordinarily eat buttholes, and people don't regularly have their buttholes eaten. (Note that I said, "regularly.") And renegade zoologist Jackson Oz is all like, "Oh, that's weird... I remember my dead father had some controversial theories about how the human race would eventually get their buttholes eaten by animals. I wonder if there's a connection?"
Anyway (at least according to the unintentionally HEEEELARIOUS trailer for the series) it's no longer just bored African lions eating buttholes... now it's a pack of American domesticated dogs cornering people and impolitely requesting buttholes for dinner! Then a tree full of cats are shown staring lustfully at a lady's butthole—which is protected by only a pair of thin slacks! After that, bears are shown thinking to themselves, "Finally! A legitimate excuse to eat human buttholes!" And a gorilla is all like, "Ugh. Humans are so like us. Do I really have to eat their buttholes?"YES, YOU DO!