My husband of six years and I have been dating a woman since February. She moved in with a friend a few doors down in October, and it took us to February to realize the attraction was mutual. She and my husband have always had a stronger connection than she and I; I am her first female relationship. We are her first couple, and this is the first time we have felt such a strong connection to another (we have dated couples and women before). At the beginning of the month, she moved to a place about 30 minutes away to save money and commute time.
We have her to thank for a re-ignition of our sex life, and in May we learned I was pregnant with my first child. Soon after, I was pretty sidelined thanks to some pretty constant morning sickness. I also felt her withdraw from me, both physically and emotionally. My pregnancy is a sensitive topic with her; she wants children, but ended a pregnancy because the partner and timing weren't right. It’s hard for me to tell whether the distance is because I have been sick for two months, or if I am a reminder of what she has lost and so desperately wants (a partner and a child).
This has been a source of stress that has become a more frequent argument between her and my husband lately: she wants a partner and a child, and no matter how much we reassure and invite her to share our experience and our lives, she feels we can’t give that to her. She worries we won’t have time for her, and about the practical aspects of a long-term relationship with us. She feels isolated in our relationship because she feels she can’t be open about it with her family. Despite this, she says she can’t imagine her life without us.
This feels like a pretty serious conversation to be having after only four months of dating, but I think my being pregnant has thrust these issues onto our plate prematurely. It feels like my due date is a looming deadline for decision. I regret that this pregnancy has put her relationship with me on hold while she and my husband have fallen in love. It’s hard to hear that she feels she can’t be fully open with her feelings with us because my husband and I are “supposed to be so happy right now.” It’s harder to watch my husband grow frustrated with these recurring arguments and feel crushed that she sees a difficult future with us.
I feel lately like I am watching this happen from afar, and often I am, both physically and emotionally. I don’t feel like I have as much stock in this as they do, so I don’t feel like I can push anything too hard. At the same time, I know I can’t (and won’t) be on the sidelines forever, but I worry that by the time I can contribute anything, it will be too late.
Is this the kind of thing that will get better with time and work, as we all get to know each other better? Or is this the beginning of the end?
Party Of Loving Yearners
I'm afraid my answer is gonna be a lot like Donald Trump's fingers—short and unsatisfying.
Will this relationship work out or is this end? I couldn't tell you, POLY. The only thing I can tell you for sure is this: it's out of your control and it's out of your husband's control. You've both made it clear to this woman that you wanna be with her and she's responded by moving away and pulling away. Maybe she had an emotional reaction to your pregnancy, POLY, or maybe she worries about being in a relationship she has to hide from her family and not getting the time she needs from her poly partners once their parents. Or maybe she's cited those two things because they're outside her control. Maybe she may wants out because this isn't what she wants—or you two aren't what she wants—and she tried to spare your feelings by blaming outside forces and/or extenuating circumstances.
Why would she say she can't imagine her life without you? She could be saying that because it's true, POLY, or she could be saying it to be nice. You and your husband are obviously in pain about this relationship ending—or potentially ending—and she wants you to know that she's hurting too. But a person can want to end a relationship and still hurt and still have difficultly imagining who or what comes next.
My advice: tell her what you to be with her, explain how you could see this working, attempt to address her fears (family's reaction, time constraints), and then back the fuck off and let her make up her mind—both of you back the fuck off. It sounds like your pregnancy is somewhat difficult and your husband should be focused on your needs at the moment, POLY, not endlessly arguing with a girlfriend he's known for less than a year and has been with for less than four months.
And forgive me for this, POLY, and I hate to close on a sour note... and I don't want to pour poison in your ear... but do you think it's possible this woman is trying to force your husband to choose between you two? People have done worse things.
So, yeah, if you two are package deal—now and forever—make that crystal clear.
Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.