I ended my senior year of college this past May, and obviously it was one of the hardest goodbyes in my life so far. Saying goodbye to my friends was difficult, but there was one friend in particular that made the goodbye heartbreaking. I find myself thinking about this one person all the time and I can't figure out if I'm crazy or if he thinks about me too. Sorry if this is long I have a lot to say.
I had been friends with this guy since freshman year, and when I first really knew who he was I told myself I would never have sex with him. Of course I ended up having sex with him sometime around Halloween of last year. I've had sex with friends before, but this time was different because he's a dog. At first I was embarrassed to have hooked up with him, and then it became a regular occurrence. We never talked about it, and we even went through the a short period of time the following semester that felt weird. Still nothing was said.
I was under the impression there was no commitment and that he only came back with me for sex. I started to think that hooking up with someone else might have upset him because that had happened and he started acting differently toward me. Then I saw him make out with someone right in front of me and even though we had not done anything in a while it still hurt. Eventually, one night he hung out and talked to me like he used to. We went home together, and from then on every weekend, sometimes more than once, we would end up with each other.
It almost became a routine for me to watch him hit on other girls and then, when they left, he'd come to me. It happened so often it became annoying to me, but I still continued to let it go on because it was senior year. I knew this was who he was. Not like I didn't do the same thing occasionally.
It became common knowledge amongst our peers that we would go home together all the time. That's when him hooking up with other girls really started to effect me. I would go somewhere, the bathroom, outside, to cool off, and pretend it didn't bother me. I would know some type of flirting was going on, people would point it out to me, and then I had to disappear for a second. I told myself that the way I was feeling was just a consequence of getting into bed with him all the time, and that it wasn't to be taken seriously because I didn't take him seriously. Finally the day came where something happened that crossed the line and I had to face my feelings.
There was a huge party one Saturday that continued into the night. During the day we found each other alone in his house, and one thing led to another. After we had sex we went to another party, and since we were seniors, everyone collectively blacked out. My best friend who was dating his roommate told me the next day that he brought home someone else. She saw him that morning and told me he seemed nervous. It wasn't until that moment that I realized how I really felt about the whole thing.
I kept saying I didn't want to feel this way, and I didn't want to have a "conversation," but I knew it had to happen. At first I went radio silent because I. Was. Pissed. I was so messed up over him going home with someone else less than twelve hours after he slept with me.
He texted me one day with a question. I answered with, "I need to talk to you." I was scared that he would respond to it how most guys have in the past (even guy friends), but he didn't. We wound up driving around and I told him that it may seem like I'm unaffected by things but I pick up on more than most. I told him that I knew and that I saw him with other girls and how most people would have lost their sh*t by now. I said I didn't ask much of him but it felt like he didn't give a single care about me and that made me feel awful but the worst part was I had so much fun with him and I didn't want to regret spending time with him. I ended by telling him he could do what he wanted because I knew who he was and wasn't going to ask him to change, but I wanted him to treat me with respect because I'm not some random one-night stand. He said that he was a jerk, and he never would wish for me to feel the way I did. He genuinely apologized, and even said if we had more time he would make things legit with me. I brushed that last part off because I didn't want to take it seriously. He was patient, understanding, and kind, and he did not deny a single thing I said. I walked away feeling a greater appreciation for him, and after that talk he opened up to me more. Only small bits at a time, and usually while he was drunk, but he opened up.
When I saw my friends from school, including him, for the first time since May I didn't expect anything from him. I was just happy that I was with him. He ended up talking to me the whole night and, just like riding a bike, I woke up next to him once more. He told me I should move there, and right before he left, invited me to his house for one more night.
I can't help, but wonder if that conversation in the car back in May changed things for him. I don't even necessarily want any sort of "official relationship" with him. However, I am moving closer to him soon, and I would love to get to know more about him. He's not an easy book to read.
I was wondering if you could give me any thoughts on the way things have played out?
Girl Interrupted By Graduation
Welcome to Savage Love, GIBG. We generally don't disguise swear words with asterisks around here ("sh*t"), as you'll see if you stick around, but I appreciate your tact and sensitivity.
Okay, my thoughts on how this played out...
Hindsight being 20/20, GIBG, it's obvious now that you should've had that conversation—the one you had in the car right before you left town—a whole lot sooner. You liked this boy, you liked spending time with him, you liked fucking him, and he liked spending time with and fucking you. But he was hurting you all the while, GIBG, and, putting the most generous gloss on his behavior, he wasn't aware he was hurting you. Your pain may have seemed obvious to you and everyone else at those parties—the way you slipped away when you saw him making out with other girls should've been a clue—but nothing disables the emotional IQs of straight college boys quite like beers and boners. And by the time he knew and/or was made consciously aware that he'd been treating poorly, i.e. by the time you spoke up about your pain, you were pretty much gone—you were out of town before he had a chance to show you he could stop being such an entitled, inconsiderate jerk of a dog.
And now, after your recent visit, you know he's still into you—he spoke to you all night, you work up next to him one morning and possibly two, and he asked you to move back to town.
What could it mean? Maybe it means the easy come/easy blow nature of your relationship before graduation led him to take you for granted. Maybe it means he only realized how strongly he felt about you once you were gone. Maybe it means he wants to be with you. Maybe it means he wants to get serious about you. Maybe it means things would be different. Maybe it means his dog days are over.
Or it might not mean any of that, GIBG. But there's only one way to find out: give it and give him a chance. There's obviously a connection here, and a strong one, but you weren't making demands or setting conditions back in college. To see if things might be different this time, GIBG, make some demands and set some conditions.
You say you don't want any sort of "official relationship" with him, GIBG, but I don't think you really mean that. And if you do mean it, you need to rethink it. You weren't in an official relationship before and it didn't make you feel very good about yourself or about him or about the you two as a unit. So tell him you're not gonna be his FBP, aka "fallback pussy," anymore. That ended with college and day drinking and blackouts. You're gonna be in a relationship with him—and not a casual one or an FWB arrangement/relationship. You're gonna be his girlfriend and he's gonna be your boyfriend and those roles are going to come bundled with a negotiated and mutually agreed to set of expectations and obligations.
If he's down, great—you can start fucking and hanging out once you're back and after you've hashed out those expectations and obligations. If he's not down, GIBG, don't fuck him or hang out with him anymore. No falling back into old patterns, no riding him like a bike, no waking up next to him. This relationship gets a title and a promotion or it gets the sack.
And finally, GIBG, on the dog issue...
Maybe he's done being a dog or maybe he's always gonna be a dog. Ask yourself what you're willing to settle for, ask yourself what price of admission you're willing to pay to be with him, ask yourself if his doggishness wasn't something that attracted you to him initially (answer that one honestly), and ask yourself whether sexual exclusivity is something you want for yourself from him or from anyone else, right now or ever—answer that last one honestly too.
Then hash out those expectations and obligations. Good luck.