There are four or five hundred thousand emails in my inbox from straight guys asking why assholes get all the girls, why they keep getting friend-zoned, and why the girls who really should like them (because they're nice!) always seem to pick some other guy (who was either an asshole all along or was suddenly perceived to be an asshole once the girl picked him). I would dig through my inbox for a good & representative example of one of those emails and post it here—to uphold the honor of the SLLOTD format—but I'm about to get on a plane and I'm in a hurry.
Anyway...
Those letters came to mind this morning as I read this terrific tweetstorm of advice for guys who complain about friend zones and assholes:
Hey, so someone DM'd (a younger cat) asking me to do a thread on why assholes get girls and nice guys don't. So I'll do a quick breakdown.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
It has nothing to do with you being nice or a jerk. It might be these two things.
1. She's just not interested
2. You're prolly boring.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
On the first one, everyone has different preferences and interests in someone. No woman (or man) has the same preferences.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
So if a woman or man is not interested in you, that's it. You can't fix it change that and I urge you to accept that.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
Don't keep pestering or hitting up someone that has made it clear they're not interested in you. It's not worth it.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
It's better for you to learn rejection and acceptance. Persistence is key is not advice I would give anyone.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
Why? Cuz in my opinion it's not hard to tell if someone is interested and if they are not, persistence will not help you.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
On the second not, when I see people who lots of people are interested in, I usually don't see if said person is nice or a jerk.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
What I notice is this...said person, whether nice or not, is a non-boring, interesting person.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
You can be a lot of things, but the one thing no one wants is an individual they find boring.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
There's usually something about the person that makes them stand out from the pack. Maybe it's what they do, say, or are.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
But said individual, whether you care for them or not, is not a boring individual.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
So it's not that you're too nice, you're prolly just boring.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
Cuz, I promise you, there are many people who are not jerks, and find themselves with lots of people who are interested in them.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
Which is why I urge you not to be a jerk cuz you think it will get you women. Instead, ask yourself if you're an interesting person.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
And even then, if a person isn't interested in you, just refer to my first point.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
Finally, what I can absolutely recommend you stop doing is complaining or talking bad about WMN just cuz they don't want you.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
No one is going to want to talk to you, if you're boring, AND all you ever do is talk about how no one likes you and you talk sh*t about WMN
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
So that's my answer. Some ppl will just not be interested. Be a more interesting person. Don't complain about women not wanting you.
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
✊🏿
— X (@XLNB) April 10, 2016
The reader who brought Xavier's tweetstorm to my attention thought it was a nice compliment to an answer I gave years and years ago to a lonely, horny, hard-up teenage boy who wanted a GF. I've been asked to rerun that printstorm of advice few times:
But don't despair, HUTB. Your awkward/repulsive stage will pass. In the meantime, here's what you need to do: Worry less about getting your young teenage self laid and start thinking about getting your 18- or 20-year-old self laid. Join a gym and get yourself a body that girls will find irresistible, read—read books—so that you'll have something to say to girls (the best way to make girls think you're interesting is to actually be interesting), and get out of the house and do shit—political shit, sporty shit, arty shit—so that you'll meet different kinds of girls in different kinds of settings and become comfortable talking with them.
Probably wouldn't include that lookist/body-fascist bit about joining a gym if I were responding to that kid today—because all bodies are equally irresistible (but still, exercise is good for you!)—but the rest of it stands, especially the "actually be interesting" part.
I wasn't following the writer and director Xavier Burgin on Twitter before I read his tweetstorm today—but I am now.
UPDATE: I want to second what Alice Dreger says here...
As usual @fakedansavage nails it. Straight guys: it's more important to be interested than interesting. https://t.co/nsExi4wfUZ
— Alice Dreger (@AliceDreger) September 29, 2016
Yes, it's important to be interesting. It's just as important to be interested. In my experience interesting people are interested people and vice-versa.
"Women want guys who care what's going on in their lives and minds," Alice continues, "both [interesting and interested] make a real package!"
Agreed!